Saturday, September 10, 2011

The Electronic Rosary

Having trouble saying the rosary? Hands too busy fondling cigarettes, food, phones, or breast-feeding the baby?  Keep on forgetting which Hail Mary you’re on? Getting bored? Beads keep getting tangled in your purse?  Afraid your infant might strangle himself or mistake the beads for candy one day?

No more excuses. An Italian electronics technician, ‘Onorio Frati’, has invented the ultimate high-tech spiritual solution: The Electronic Rosary. 

While flicking through the channels of late-night TV, I came upon this "infomercial" that put me in stitches. It was dead serious, emotional yet solemn, with the Ave Maria playing in the background. It featured everyday people from all walks of Italian life, discovering the joys of abandoning their rosary beads. Just to think that such an invention actually appeals to a generation and culture that really exists, fills me with joy.
Imagine. This hands-free, tangle-free device, shaped like an egg and faced with images of the Virgin Mary, allows you to pray, smoke, cook, and clean at the same time.  The perfect size, it is too big to be swallowed by your infant.  Just leave it in the crib to put baby to sleep to the sound of prayer.

Simple to use, the device keeps track of which Hail Mary you’re on.  Just hit the button and it will go to the appropriate “Mystery”, depending on what day of the week it is.  And the highlight: You can listen to the first part of the Hail Mary in your choice of Latin or Italian, either in the actual voice of Pope John Paul II, or Mother Teresa.  Priceless!  The voice recites the first part of the Hail Mary, and you respond with the second.  It can hear you too. As soon as you respond, it proceeds to the next one. If you fall asleep or if it doesn’t detect your response, it times-out until you return and knows exactly where you left off, and who you are. In addition, it can be used by your whole family!  It can detect and recognize the voice of up to 20 different family members.

Listen to it in bed, or in the car.  Indestructible, sand-proof and water resistant, you can even take it to the beach.  Just hang it around your neck while taking a passeggiata. It makes a perfect gift for Christmas, for a child preparing for First Holy Communion, or an elder who has lost their memory.

And that’s not all.  The electronic rosary comes in an assortment of colors.  It includes 20 holy cards of the Virgin Mary, your own personal prayer book and a miniature statue of....yes, you guessed it....The Virgin Mary herself.  Satisfaction guaranteed or your money back.  And if you call this toll-free number now, "we will include a free pair of traditional rosary beads with your order"!

Quantities are running out.  Get yours today, all for the unbelievable markdown price of only €30, only for the next 100 callers.

Ave Maria!